The Velvet Rage

An interesting read today, more of psychology of a group of people, gay men, in Alan Downs’ book the The Velvet Rage.  Downs, a gay psychologist who works with gay men, uses lessons learned from his clients and shares themes and the three stages of “gay men” development.  He begins the book by sharing the “roots of rage” that develop in young boys and how the slow process of coming out occurs in most men.  His hypothesis is that there are three stages that gay men go through: dealing with shame, compensating for the shame they feel, and how a gay man needs to develop authenticity to become “self-actualized.”  He provides in-depth examples from the lives of his clients to support his theory.  The stories are vivid and tell of a self-damning culture that exists for most gay men.  Downs does generalize his findings often and not being a researcher on the topic, I am left with the feeling that this is the norm for ALL gay men, though in some ways that leaves me feeling a level of discomfort.  There is little to no quantitative data shared by Downs as it relates to sexual violence or abuse that he discusses in the book, (or for any other claim he makes), which I think provides some serious shortcomings to the book. Yes I am a quantitative guy, but I realize that in issues as sensitive as this a quantitative study may not provide the level of depth or intricacies as qualitative data does. He provides ten lessons that gay men should follow to get to stage 3 and beyond: don’t let your sexual tastes be the filter for allowing people in your life, adopt a nonjudgmental stance as often as possible, when you have a problem with someone, speak first with him/her about it fist (instead of everyone else), it’s never a bad idea to be completely honest about the facts, others are often put off by perfection (in this context especially the obsession he sees in gay male’s with the male body), don’t act on every emotion you feel, put off having sex until you feel comfortable that you really know him, actively practice accepting your body as it is right now, intentionally validate those you love, but never validate the invalid, and finally, whenever you encounter a relationship problem, fist assess your own responsibility before blaming someone else. Reviewing these tips… darn, they are great for gay men, straight men, lesbians, and straight women!  This was a very quick read and provided an insight into the more recent gay male culture from the perspective of one psychologist.  I can’t say how applicable it is to a generation of gay men, but it certainly provided some insights I had not had in my thinking on the topic.  Again, not much scientific research to support his work, so I can’t say I buy all that he is sharing here.  I think it would be very interesting to discuss this with men living in the age range of the men Downs draws his hypothesis.  Helpful read nonetheless.